


To Find I'm Not Alone

by MorganEilish



Series: To Find I'm Not Alone [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Platonic Bed-sharing, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-11 12:16:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8979292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganEilish/pseuds/MorganEilish
Summary: She was a child when she married him - she knew that now. Bright and full of hope. Still believing in the faerie tales; in white knights and star crossed lovers. No one told her how much the faerie tales hurt.Padme survived Anakin's betrayal, faked her death, and fled to the distant corners of the galaxy with Obi Wan to raise her children.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A friend recently introduced me to the Prequels and I came away with a hatred of Anakin, a love of Obi Wan, and the feeling the Padme deserved better than she got.
> 
> Title taken from [Silent Storm by Carl Espen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LBOjxBty8U).

She was a child when she married him - she knew that now. Bright and full of hope. Still believing in the faerie tales; in white knights and star crossed lovers. No one told her how much the faerie tales hurt.

She’d made a lot of excuses for Anakin during the course of their relationship. He killed a village of Tuskens but that was only because he was grieving the death of his mother. If he touched her when she told him he was making her uncomfortable it was only because he loved her so much he couldn’t control his actions around her. She should be flattered. She was flattered. She was done making excuses now.

The child she’d been died on Mustafar and was buried in Naboo. She went to her own funeral. The layers of the handmaiden’s mourning dress obscured her belly and the angry purple handprint around her throat. It was the last time she let anything touch her neck.

She cried. Not for herself or her now fatherless children but for the fallen handmaiden dressed in her robes. Only a handful of people knew it wasn’t her body in her grave. Only a handful of people knew of her handmaiden’s death.

Her remaining handmaidens begged her to take them with her but it was easier to hide one woman that looks like a dead senator than it is to hide four. She wore her hair braided tightly in a crown around her head - her one reminder of the title she once held, the life she once lived. She kept it hidden under a tightly wrapped dull coloured scarf and left in the dead of night after the last one fell asleep. No one would recognize her now.

\---

With Obi Wan’s and C-3P0's help she gave birth to Luke in a secluded compartment deep in the underbelly of a freighter travelling at light speed just outside the Tion Cluster. Leia arrived two hours later as they past the Pantora System. Neither of her children had a home planet. None of them had a home anymore.

Obi Wan had been out of his depths but C-3P0 fortunately had a directory of medical texts stored in his archives and despite much fussing on the droid’s part, was able to instruct him on what to do. It was hard and bloody and painful, but not as bad as she thought it’d be. She suspected that was because of Obi Wan though. He gave her his hand and told her to squeeze it as hard as she could when she needed to. When her contractions were strong enough she couldn’t hold in her cries, she felt a warmth pulsing under her skin and the pain would ease a little.

Luke was silent when he was born.  So quiet she kept asking Obi Wan if he was sure he was alive. 

“Yes,” he told her, wiping the sweat off her forehead and holding her hand gently in his.

Both of them were surprised when his sister came out screaming. She didn’t know she was carrying twins. Leia kept screaming until she learned how to talk. Even then Padme frequently had to remind her to use her words.

They tore fabric off Obi Wan’s cloak to wrap the babies in. He had acquired new clothes for both of them after her funeral and was carrying his old robes in his pack with the lightsabers. With the Emperor’s army out looking to kill every last Jedi, it was no longer safe for him to wear them.

“Are you sure?” she asked him when he suggested it.

He nodded, “I shouldn’t be carrying them around still.”

She gave him a watery smile and he handed her Leia, still screaming, swaddled in thick white cloth and sat down beside her holding Luke. She fell asleep, exhausted from the hours she spent labouring, and if she leaned into his warmth while she slept, he didn’t say anything.

\---

Roughly two weeks after she gave birth, the freighter dropped them off on a planet so far into the Outer Rim it was practically Wild Space. They found a settlement and Obi Wan got them a place to stay in exchange for work. It wasn’t much. It was nothing like what she was used to. But Anakin wasn’t here, and they were safe, and that’s what she needed.

As far as planets went, it wasn't the worst she’d been to. The settlement had arable land to the south and a forest to the north. It was warm but not hot and it rained every few days.

This far out very few people spoke basic. They didn't speak any of the local languages but fortunately C-3P0 knew a dialect of a couple of them. He was instrumental in helping them find work and get settled in.

They had a small clay hut powered by solar panels. It was all one room and shared a fresher with five other huts. The oven was a forty year old design but it still worked and their table looked like it had been pulled out of a dead starship.

There were two beds along the back wall for her and Obi Wan. When Luke and Leia were still small enough to fit they slept together in one of the larger cabinet drawers pulled open and reinforced with scrap materials R2-D2 found. Once they started getting too big she found a proper crib for them. 

The work was tough, especially with two babies strapped to her. She wore Leia on her front and Luke tied around her back. Obi Wan offered to take one of them, but some days he picked up security contracts and she didn’t want either of the children to be put at risk, or taken out of her sight for hours on end. So they both stayed with her close to their hut while she worked odd jobs. Courier work here, a little sewing there. She wasn’t much for mechanical work but she could clean parts to sell for reuse.

She learned what hunger felt like. Neither she nor Obi Wan were comfortable with him using the Force to talk their neighbours into sharing food when they couldn't afford to buy it. There were many nights they went without in the first couple of months. It was a price she was willing to pay for her children’s safety.

None of them slept through the night. Not for a long time. Leia woke up most nights screaming to be fed which usually woke up Luke. Padme frequently had nightmares. She suspected Obi Wan did too but if that's why some nights he was already up pacing around the hut when the babies started crying, he didn't say. She asked if he was okay once and he assured her that he was but she didn't believe it.

He was really protective of them. She caught him more than once sitting up watching the twins sleep, his lightsaber powered down but gripped tightly in his hands. She didn't ask. She knew he wouldn't want to talk about it just like he knew not to ask about the panicked look she got when something brushed against her neck.

“They're Force sensitive,” he admitted softly after a few months of this. “Almost as strong as he was.”

She felt the blood drain from her face and sank down on one of the kitchen chairs. Her voice was a whisper, “They'll never be safe, will they?”

“I won't let anything happen to them. Or you.”

She knew he meant it. But she also knew sometimes things didn't go your way. It wasn't just their father finding them that she worried about. She was also a little afraid of them, though she'd never admit that - never let it affect the love she had for them. They were Anakin’s children though and already almost as strong as he was. Who was to say they wouldn't follow his footsteps entirely?

She knew he heard her thoughts when he reached for her hand. He always stopped just short of grabbing it, letting her decide if she wanted to be touched. It was always her decision. He never said anything if she refused and she was thankful for that.

She placed her hand in his and squeezed it, feeling his calming warmth roll slowly into her chest before letting go. His tired smile didn't reach his eyes. It rarely did. He'd lost at least as much as she did, if not more. She wished not for the first time that there was something she could say that'd help him the way he helped her.

“Go get some sleep,” she said instead and watched him get up and crawl into his bed, tucking his lightsaber under his pillow.

\---

It wasn't long after that they had to find a new place to live. Their landlord put his hand on her shoulder a little too close to her neck in an attempt to get her attention while she was working on something for him and found himself on his back with her boot pressed against his throat before he could say anything. She froze, hands shaking in terror.

The landlord was lucky Obi Wan was close enough to sense the fear that came off her in waves. He came running and pulled her off, radiating warmth into her pounding chest. She stood still, white as a sheet while they were both angrily told they were no longer welcome and had to be out by nightfall.

When he left Obi Wan sat with her, offering her his hand to squeeze and telling her she was safe. Mustafar was a long ways off but it felt like she was on it again. He directed a flood of warmth through her until the colour returned to her face and her heart stopped pounding.

When she was finally calm they packed up the twins and everything they owned and headed to the shipyard to see if they could get a ride out.

“I'm sorry,” she kept telling him. But he brushed it off each time saying she had nothing to be sorry for. She disagreed.

They wound up trading for their own ship. It was old and in need of a good cleaning but it worked and was easier than hopping freighters. This way they could come and go as they liked and decide for themselves where they wanted to wind up.

It was a small cargo ship. If they wanted to they could run deliveries to pick up credits for food. They did for long enough to gather the supplies they'd need to settle down somewhere.

Neither of them had flown since Mustafar and they were surprised to see how much they both missed it. They spent a bit of time just hopping between outer rim spaceports so they could watch the stars shoot past them. Sitting on Obi Wan’s lap at the controls kept Leia quiet which was a pleasant surprise. It was so far the only thing they'd found that did. It also kept her out of trouble. Both of them had learned to crawl back on land and were constantly getting into things they shouldn't.

Luke liked to find all the little nooks and crevices he could and hide himself in them. There were days they'd put him down for a minute to grab something and then spent hours trying to find where he crawled off to. He always laughed and waved his chubby little hands when they found him like it was an exciting game of peek-a-boo. They learned not to let go of him unless the doors to whatever section they were in were all closed and at one of the spaceports they picked up locks to install in all of the mechanical cupboards so he didn't hurt himself.

She felt safe on their ship. She thought it was silly she could feel safer in a tin can hurtling through a vacuum than she could on solid ground, but it was only her and her family there. No one would hurt her or turn her kids to the Dark. And she and Obi Wan could call each other by their real names. Outside the ship he was Ben and she was Ami. Here she could be herself. She liked that. It was easier.

She wasn't exactly sure when she started thinking of Obi Wan as family, but she supposed it fit. He took care of both her and her children and she took care of him. It was more of a marriage than her actual marriage had been, not that that said much. She knew there was something he was keeping from her but she also figured if he wasn't telling her it was probably because knowing wouldn't do any good. It's why she never told him about the Tusken Raider camp Anakin slaughtered.

“The kids are finally asleep. Droids are with them. We’ll need to refuel in the next couple days,” he said sitting beside her.

The droid charge station was in one of the bunks. They turned that one into the nursery, putting up rails on the beds built into the walls so the twins wouldn't fall out. The droids would alert them if they were up fussing in the middle of the night and Luke liked R2’s beeping. She'd found him a few times just sitting with the droid babbling away.

“It might be time to find a place to settle,” she said. “I'd like to go further into Wild Space.”

Heading into Wild Space was a gamble. It could take a bit to find a habitable planet. But to her it seemed safer than landing on a known world and being recognized. With the fall of the Republic and the start of the War, there wouldn't be as much of a push to explore and colonize this far out.

She felt a little guilty that she was out here hiding and playing house instead of fighting. She knew he did too. But going back would probably guarantee her children wouldn't live to see their second birthday. Better to wait until they were older.

He looked out the viewport at the stars shooting past and ran a hand through his beard. It wasn't as neat as he used to keep it and his hair was getting long again. He'd be asking her to cut it for him soon.

“I feel a pull out here that I'd like to follow,” he said. “I know how you feel about the Force but we might find somewhere to stay.”

“It's not the Force I have a problem with. It's  _ him _ .”

But she trusted that Obi Wan knew what he was doing and wouldn't deliberately put them in danger. She didn't want to be the one to tell him he couldn't do something he felt he was called to. Not when he's already done so much for her. And if he could find them a place for her to raise her babies, it'd be well worth it. They were starting to walk and she wanted them to have a little more space to do so.

\---

It turned out, Obi Wan was right. They found a planet with a lot of water and a few islands. He landed them on a plateau under the mountain that formed one of them. They weren't sure what to expect but both were surprised to find steps carved into a path leading up to the top and an abandoned village of stone huts. They were even more surprised by the ruins of a Jedi temple at the summit.

She picked out the least dilapidated hut to call home. He helped her reinforce the crumbled portions. They brought the mattresses from the bunks in their ship inside for her and the babies to sleep on. They fashioned a little half wall around one of them with stones and mud so the twins wouldn't go wandering in the middle of the night.

He chose his own hut nearby. He didn't wind up staying in it though. After more than a year sleeping in the same room, neither of them were accustomed to sleeping on their own. Halfway through the first night she heard him come in and settle on the floor near the babies. 

“You'll hurt your back sleeping on the ground like that,” she spoke softly so as not to wake them.

“I've slept on worse,” he replied.

She rolled her eyes and moved to make room on her bed, “Don't be ridiculous. Get over here. We can bring your bed in in the morning.”

He didn't say anything but he got up and settled beside her, careful to give her enough space. It was a tight fit. Ship bunks were not meant to hold two people. But they'd both slept in worse places and it was cozy.

\---

For once the babies were still asleep when she woke up, the sun softly shining into the hut through the hole in the centre of the roof. In the night Obi Wan had wrapped his arms around her, pulling her against his chest so she was tucked under his chin. She'd wrapped her arms around him as well and tangled their legs together, head resting on her shoulder. It had been a long time since anyone held her like that. She hadn't realized how much she'd wanted it. Now that she did, she didn't want to let go.

She wondered not for the first time how things would've turned out if she'd noticed him instead of Anakin. If given another shot she wasn't sure if she would've done things differently because that would mean not having her children and she wouldn't trade them for the world. But Obi Wan would've made a better partner, not that that had been an option with him having dedicated himself to the Order.

But now, she couldn't help but think that maybe this was how it was meant to be. Just her, and her family. She felt warm and safe and happy exactly where she was. She didn't think she ever would again after Mustafar. There was a time she'd thought about ending it. But here and now she was glad she didn't. This, lying in his arms with her children sleeping nearby, made it all feel worth it.

“Oh!” he said softly pulling back a little and giving her a surprised look.

She felt her face flush realizing he must've picked up on what she was thinking. She didn't know he had been awake. She tried to untangle herself from him and apologize but he just smiled and offered her his hand. She gave him hers and he squeezed it, flooding her with his warmth as he pulled her back into his arms. He softly kissed her forehead and held her until the babies woke up.

**Author's Note:**

> Join me on [tumblr](http://morganeilish.tumblr.com/) to flail about how much we love these idiots.


End file.
